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One could never imagine the pain you go through seeing a loved one slowly fade away. It was so hard to see my mother, father, sisters and brother struggle with their pain and fears. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer on March 2, 2001. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My twin, in Michigan, called me in California to tell me the horrible news, "Mom has lung cancer". So many questions flooded my mind as my body went numb and the tears ran down my face. I was overwhelmed with confusion. I hung up the phone and a feeling of nausea overcame me, I got sick. How could this be, my mother who has always been there for us is now very ill. Was she going to be okay? Nobody could answer my question. Should I get on the first plane so that I could be there with mom or should I wait until I have more information before I made any decisions. The decision I arrived at was to wait until I knew more before I made any travel plans. It was so hard for me to deal with this news being over 2,400 miles away from home. |
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I had to wait until my parents met with the oncologist before we would know more. The waiting seemed like an eternity. Finally that day arrived and so did some answers. Mom's tumor was inoperable but the good news was that it hadn't spread. The plan was to start chemotherapy treatments followed by radiation. I remember mom saying that she wasn't sure if she wanted to go through all this. She remembered back when my grandmother went through radiation and how her skin burned so bad that it turned black. Mom said Grandma was in alot of pain during her radiation treatments. I told mom that when Grandma had radiation it was a long time ago and there’s been many improvements in radiation therapy since then. The doctor assured mom that she probably wouldn't even notice any marks from the radiation. My mother made the decision to go ahead with treatments. Now it was time for me to decide when I would travel to Michigan. I decided to wait until the treatments started and time it so that I could be there during the core time of her treatments. I figured this is when my help would be needed the most. So on April 10th I traveled to Michigan with the intentions of staying until May 15th. I remember arriving and seeing mom, she had already started to lose her hair. It was a real tough time for her even though she wasn't a cosmetic person. How could one prepare for such a thing. Her scalp was so beautiful, as if God had made sure to give her a blemish free scalp and perfectly shaped head in hope of easing her loss. |
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The next day I started to experience what my father, mother and twin had been going through. The grind of traveling about 60 miles round trip to University of Michigan's Cancer Center for chemo treatments, spending the whole day in the transfusion area and arriving back home about dinner time, made for a long day, but nobody was complaining. We were just praying that the treatments were helping. I remember playing Yahtzee with my mother and twin to pass the time while dad talked to some of the other patients that were going through chemo treatments. One day, I sat reading some literature while mom was relaxing and I remember coming across some information on the different stages of lung cancer. That is when I think reality set in about mom's condition and I realized that we didn't have much time left with mom. I asked dad if he was told how long we would have with mom and he told me about a year. I left the room abruptly because I could feel the tears pooling up in my eyes, I didn't want mom to see me cry. I fell apart in the hallway, my twin came out and comforted me. When I was able to pull myself together I went back into the transfusion area, mom suspected something was up, but I told her I was fine and just had to go to the bathroom. I remember thinking to myself after I returned to the transfusion area, “look at all of these people here who are being treated for cancer.” I couldn't believe the constant flow of people coming in to get chemo treatments, I was shocked. I said to myself, “this is what the smokers out there need to experience first hand and maybe they would think twice about continuing to smoke.” I know it would have cured me if I had been a smoker. |
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Hours, days and then weeks passed and my return date was nearing. I had asked mom if there was anything that she really wanted done while I was in. She told me that she wanted her bathroom redecorated. She wanted me to use a faux finish technique called sponging on the walls in the bathroom like I had done in my home and wanted some type of border around the top of the wall. In my spare time I started to plan out how I would decorate the bathroom for my mother. I figured that I probably wouldn't have many more opportunities left to do things for her and all I wanted was for her to stay happy and positive. I had this overwhelming feeling to do anything and everything I could to make her happy. We went shopping for a shower curtain and from there I planned the rest of the colors and I decided that I would stencil a border on the walls around the bathroom. The job took about four days to complete and mom was so happy with the end result. I remember her lying in her bedroom and looking out her door into the bathroom with a smile. She said she just loved her new bathroom and loved lying there and looking at it. It made me so happy to know that I made her so happy. I truly realized the value of life and how just a little kindness and effort could go a long way. Why is it that some of us don't realize these things until it's too late? |
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My return date of May 15th was drawing near. I couldn't believe how time had passed so quickly. For the most part things worked out as planned and I was around for the core part of mom's treatments, with the exception of a couple of complications that delayed treatments. Mom's blood count was down and she needed to have a blood transfusion twice in between her chemo treatments. From my recollection this pushed all of the treatments out by a week. This meant that the treatments would continue after my planned return date. I thought about delaying my return, but mom was doing so well during her treatments that I felt it would be okay to keep my original plans. I put my life on hold for five weeks and would have put my life on hold indefinitely, if I could have, but I had my own responsibilites to take care of in California. On May 15th, two days after we celebrated Mother's Day I flew back to California. It was important for me to celebrate Mother’s Day with mom, because I wasn’t sure if I would get the chance to spend another one with her. |
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In late May, mom had her final radiation treatment and she was doing great. The tumor had reduced in size considerably and everyone was optimistic. Life went on as if nothing happened. Mom's hair was growing back and she was happy. Two months had passed and mom continued to feel good and remained optimistic. I felt a sense of security as long as mom continued to feel good. Mom was going to beat this cancer, that was her frame of mind and mine, we refused to think otherwise. "Keep the Faith and Fight the Fight" was a saying we shared when we would talk to each other. A few months had passed, it was August, 2001 and I now had this feeling that we needed to get moving on planning that trip to Hawaii that mother was looking forward to. Originally it was decided that the trip would take place in March, 2002. A couple of days passed after our decision was made about the date and I started to have second thoughts. Every time I thought about it I would start to cry. I just felt like March would be too late so I contacted my mother's oncologist and discussed the trip we were planning to Hawaii. I was told by the doctors nurse that we should try to push up the date and get mom to Hawaii now while she was still feeling good and would enjoy the trip. Once again I was overwhelmed with emotions. Obviously my mother wasn't doing as well as we had thought. I was fearful of not getting to our destination in time. I discussed changing the departure date with mom and although she was a bit apprehensive, she agreed on a new departure date of October 2. |
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While I spent time planning a 10 day cruise of the Hawaiian Islands and a one week stay on the island of Kauai, my family was spending time together at a cottage in Cedarville, MI. I was disappointed that I was not able to be there with the family, but was somewhat relieved with the thought that I would soon be spending time with mom in Hawaii. While they were up north, mom started to become ill and was hospitalized soon after she returned home. After some tests were done things were not looking good; mom's cancer had spread. I remember the day I found out, it was September 11, 2001 the same day that the terrorists hit the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I was in New Orleans when I got the news. Mom’s prognosis wasn't good. We were told that we would have about seven weeks left with mom. Emotions came flooding back. What happened to the 6 months we were supposed to have left with mom? How did it change so quickly to only seven weeks? She was now being put into home hospice care. The type of hospice care was very important to me, my family and my mother. We felt it was important to take care of mom in the comfort of her own home where she would get all the love and care needed. My father and my twin would have to be the main caregivers until my sister, Cindy and myself could make it home. We were grounded in Florida and New Orleans and had no idea when we would be able to get home. I was glad that my twin was there to help out. With her medical background she would be a great help and I know that it gave dad some comfort to know he could depend on her. |
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On September 21, 2001 I got a call while I was on my way to the airport. My husband and I were on our way to Milwaukee. It was my twin, my heart stopped, and of course I thought the worst. She told me that Mom was slipping into a coma and I should get home as soon as I could. We changed our flight plans, and were at my mother's bedside by 11:00 p.m. that night. Mom looked bad, real bad. She woke up and saw me sitting beside her and I'll never forget the look on her face. She had this shocked but peaceful smile as she reached out to touch my face. She was surprised to see us. Tears ran down my face while I sat there holding her. The night had passed and it was a new day. It was as if a miracle had touched my mother, she was awake and alert. The hospice nurse was surprised but had warned us that sometimes this happens when loved ones from out of state make it in. She was right. A few days had passed and mom's condition slowly worsened, she got irritable and was now refusing to eat. I sensed that we didn't have much time left with her. On October 1, 2001 my mother fell into a coma. Later that day with her husband, children, grandchildren and sister Phyllis by her side, mom passed away. One day prior to our Hawaii departure date of October 2, 2001. Her passing was unlike anything that I had expected or ever experienced. We all told mom that it was okay for her to go to God and that we would all be okay. It was like she needed to hear that from all of us before she would go. In her final moments it was as if she woke up, she opened her eyes and starred into the heavens, that's when I knew she saw the angels coming to get her. Her face was so peaceful, she drew in her last breath, her work was done here on earth. I felt this huge sense of comfort as if someone had wrapped their arms around me. I believe it was God comforting me. I was saddened over my loss but felt peace for I knew that mom was in a better place where there would be no more suffering. |
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It was now time for us to grieve our loss and to try and find peace from within. The months ahead would be quite a challenge for all of us who loved my mother so deeply. "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." by Mother Teresa. |
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I wrote this story not only to share my experience, but to share some hard cold truth with smokers. Smoking does kill and if you don't do something to change your habits you will most likely fall victim to this horrible disease called lung cancer. What I didn't tell you in my story was that my mother was a smoker, she was a victim of the addiction. The pain and suffering that my mother and my family endured was beyond what anyone, who hasn't experienced such a thing, could ever imagine. My mother truly regretted ever smoking. When she was diagnosed with lung cancer, she immediately quit smoking, unfortunately, by that time it was already too late. I hope it's not too late for you. If you're a smoker, please quit now, if not for your own well being, then do it for your loved ones. If your not a smoker, but know someone who smokes, please share my story with them and encourage them to stop smoking. Don't give up on them. Let them know that you care about them and would like to help them through their addiction. I wish I never would have stopped bugging my mother, she may have been with us today if I had convinced her to quit. Lung cancer is a silent killer, my mother had it for three years before she was diagnosed. You need to realize that the only winners here are the tobacco companies. Please consult your doctor for help in beating your addiction, it's never too late. One final word....if you are a smoker or know someone who smokes encourage them to have regular screenings done of their lungs. I'm not a doctor but from what I understand a regular x-ray isn't a good form of early detection. You need to have a CAT Scan done to catch the tumors at an early stage. Please take care of yourself, call your doctor today. There are many forms of help available today to assist you in beating this terrible addiction. |
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God Bless. |
| Helen Badarak |